Are Women Attracted To "Nice" Guys? >QUICK NOTE: As you've probably already guessed,women are NOT usually ATTRACTED to "nice" guys. If you're too much of a nice guy, and you'd like to learn how to communicate with women in a way that makes them feel ATTRACTION for you, then do yourself a huge favor, and read THIS now: ***QUESTION*** Hey bro... I recently began reading ur stuff because I have met a girl that i am really into and I must make it work with her. You are probably busy but Im going to give you the background story of this and maybe you will have some specific advice for me. I met this girl M. in July through a friend online. We got to know each other some and after a few weeks she came to watch my friend and I at a basketball game that we were playing in, and I met her in person briefly that day. Unfortunately, I did not see her in person again that time because I was back to college soon, so we talked more online and it went very well. We really seemed to hit it off and had a lot in common and we were definitely good friends. I made her laugh a lot as we both said and did a lot of silly things (she likes that kind of stuff) and we continued to talk and get to know a lot about each other. I was very supportive of her and she was the same for me and showed a lot of interest in what I had to say. She wanted my phone number here at college and I gave it to her, and we began to talk a few times in the evening by phone too. She also wanted my mailing address here and sent me a package with a card and some goodies that were related to some inside jokes we have with each other. This is when I decided that I wanted to be more than a friend to her and make a move to tell her subtly my intentions. I just told her that i thought she was really cool and since we have alot in common I was wondering if she wanted to go out sometime when I got back home for break. She really didnt have much of a reaction one way or the other and just said that it would be fun. Well gradually things escalated and we spent more and more time talking to each other online and by phone, and we exchanged pictures and packages all the time and I opened up to her more and more and told her how I felt for her. I sent her roses to congratulate her and she liked that a lot. She is somewhat of a quiet shy girl, but she is really nice but also very hesitant. She has never been in a relationship before, and the funny thing is that this is true more or less for me too. I continued to tell her my feelings for her more and she would only say that she felt the "same" or "me too". She said that she was worried that when I got to meet her more when i was home my feelings would not be the same. So talking till nearly Christmas, it was to the point where we knew almost everything about each other that we could talk about, and I was really showering her with attention and compliments (I know, according to your teaching this is wrong haha) and she just said that we have to wait and see. I teased her telling her that there were some dreams I had but would have towait to tell her how they ended, and she said she would eventually open up to me. Well we got together finally over my Christmas break and I went over to their house for the evening after dinner (i bought....youre probably saying "doh") and we watched movies. Their family seems to like me alot by the way, and I have talked to M.'s sister and mother on occasions before this. I asked if i could put my arm around her and she let me, and then before i went home we went for a short walk and I held her hand to "keep it warm". Before I got into the car she gave me a hug and I invited her over for tomorrow, and that since we are an hour away from each other's house she could stay the night to save time. So we had a good time on Thursday and she met my family, and we played games and movies and such, and I said she could sit with me in my couch where it was warmer and she accepted. After the movie was done at about 2:30 am, I shut it off and we just lay there reclining. I started to stroke her arm and gently rub her hands, and then i went to her face and neck and hair, once in a while whispering in her ear and saying she smelt and looked good. She just lightly giggled, and rest her head on my chest but she didnt really do any touching herself, but we got out of the chair at 6 am and slept till 9am and got up and had a fun day again playing games and I showed her around town. We played footsie underneath the card table some but again it was pretty much myself doing all the showing of affection. We had a candle lit dinner that night and I asked her if her doubts had been answered yet, and she said she knew how I felt but that I needed to get to know her more and that she just was hesitant and not able to open up as much as I am yet. She sat in the couch with me again Friday night and it was more of the same and then she went to bed at 3, but I couldnt sleep that night because I really wondered if I was maybe being too serious and forward for her. She wanted up at 6:15and so I woke her up touching her face, and we lay in my bed for about an hour with more of the same of me touching her, and then it came time for her to get ready and say goodbye. I had asked her on several occasions over the week at what I felt was the right time if she wanted to know how my dream ended (which we both know what it is hehe) but she said not yet and maybe later. I had written her a long note that night since I didnt sleep and I gave that to her out by her car and she gave me another hug and off she went. I flew back out to school Saturday morning and I have been pretty sad, both because I miss her and because Im not sure if she feels the same way I do. It seems like she likes all the attention Im giving her that she has never gotten before, but only seems to reciprocate the same things I say and she does not open up to me nearly like i have to her. So i have decided I need to probably try another approach and start applying your methods and see if that gets me anywhere. I will be home for a break in a few weeks and Im hoping that she will start opening up to me then, otherwise im not sure I want to continue to keep giving myself to her like I have if she wont do the same. She does give me a lot of her time so I know she is interested, but I want her to start really being into me the way I have shown her. So Ive been reading your stuff and I think I need to loosen up and tease her a little more and not shower her with compliments, maybe once in a while, and I need to start talking to her less. I think I need to be a little more indifferent but Im just not sure what exactly to do as far as how sweet i am supposed to be to her, and the right kind of attitude i need to have. I think I need to let my cocky and funny side come out more but I dont want her to think I am not interested in her or that I am a prick. Im thinking that I need to realize less is more, and give her opportunities and such but make it sparingly and focus more on just being a fun person. Its been almost 5 months knowing her and theres a lot more I could say as far as details, but Im wondering that from what you can get out of this if you have any specific advice for me? I appreciate it a lot man, and thanx for all the post! Talk to you later. -Confused- The Answer. You might want to sit down for this. Sit on a chair with ARMS on it so you don't fall off, OK? It's VERY clear to me that you've become VERY emotionally attached to this girl... and that you like her very much (women all over the world are reading this right now and crying...) And I know that when you really, really, REALLY like a girl, "things are different". I know that this one is different from ALL of the others... and that you don't want to risk doing something wrong with her... so you're not using any of the materials that you're learning from me... In fact, you're saving the things you've learned from me for "later"... just in case what you're doing doesn't work in the end. And even though I'm going to verbally beat your ass for all of this in a moment, I want to let you know that I really do understand. By the way, I'm only being this nice because it sounds like you're still pretty young, and have almost ZERO experience with women. So don't get too used to this "kid politeness" stuff from me. Next time you write, I'm just going to launch and beat the crap into it. OK. Here's how your letter started: "I recently began reading you're stuff because I have met a girl that i am really into and I must make it work with her." I smelled trouble before I was finished reading that first sentence, man. Here's what my gut tells me: You sound DESPERATE. You sound like the affection-starved human male equivalent of a hungry homeless kitten. It's also clear to me that somewhere along the line in your life you got the idea that if you want to make a woman like you, that you should ACT and BEHAVE like a woman. This is a problem. From your perspective (which I understand a little too well from your detailed letter), it ALMOST looks like she might like you. I mean, she's replying to everything you do in a "mirror image" kind of way. She's not stopping you. And sometimes she does something nice in return when you're sweet and thoughtful... But you can FEEL that something just isn't quite "right" here. Again, it ALMOST looks like she might like you... and when you're in this situation, even small hints seem like they could be "the big clue" that lets you know that she is just as in love as you are. But my guess is that this situation is much worse than you think. In fact, I think that there's a very good chance that it's so bad... so, so bad... that it's probably a waste of time to try to "save" it. I think that the "hints" you're getting from her are the behaviors of a sweet girl who doesn't like the idea of hurting you. In other words, she's probably as far from "into you" as a girl can be... but she loves you as a friend, and cares about you as a person... so she can't bring herself to look you in the eyes and say, "Hey, you're acting like a girl and you've destroyed all chances of me ever feeling any type of ATTRACTION for you". Hell, probably she doesnt even know why she's not feeling attraction for you. Probably she think's " He's so nice to me and all, this is the of guy I should be liking and all, but why am I not feeling a thing?" By the way, I'm about to give you some good ideas for your situation, but the bottom line is that you need to work on yourself on a DEEP level. So let's talk about some of the things you've mentioned in your email... The first thing that comes to mind is how much ATTENTION you give her. In the moment, giving someone attention SEEMS like a great thing. They usually seem to enjoy it, and you know you're getting approval from them because they're still talking to you. The other little "hidden bonus" of giving someone a lot of attention, is that you know they're not getting it from SOMEONE ELSE during the time that you're giving it to them... Which gives many people a false sense of security. Heavy, man. But I think it's time you started thinking of this topic a little differently. Think of attention, compliments, physicalaffection and emotional attachment like FIREWOOD. A little at a time is perfect. But if you put it all on at once, you're going to burn the house down and destroy everything. When you give a woman too much attention, you are communicating that you're OBSESSED and DESPERATE. In other words, you're almost the OPPOSITE of a CHALLENGE. Have you ever heard a woman say "I just met this really sensitive, thoughtful, sweet guy that calls me 100 times a day and sends me flowers and cards and gifts... and I just can't stop thinkingabout him..."? No? Me neither. Well actually I've heard it from this girl who was a 1out of 10...but well it doesnt really matter does it? Surprise, surprise. Women aren't INTO guys who are obsessed with them. Women are INTO guys who are interesting, mysterious, challenging... guys who trigger ATTRACTION in them, not AFFECTION. Here's how YOUR mind is working right now: "It feels good, so do it." "She seems to enjoy it, so keep it up." "I don't want to lose her, so I must continue to smother her with attention." "This is the only chance I get, so I must take it to the max." "If I don't do something, some other guy will, and I'll be heartbroken." Don't worry, this is how MOST guys think and act. Hell, I used to do this stuff once upon a time... But here's what's probably going on in HER mind: "He's always there whenever I want to talk." "He's such a sweet, nice, caring guy." "Maybe if I keep talking to him I'll feel something..." "...But for some reason... I just don't FEEL IT for him... and I can't make myself feel it..." "I don't want to hurt him, so I'd better be niceto him." Well I hope she hasn't find you to be irritating and annoying yet. She probably feels a lot of guilt... because maybe she is thinking that she "led you on". Here's something for you to think about: "Getting KILLS Wanting" If someone gets something, or even knows that they HAVE IT whenever they want it, that thing becomes much less interesting to them. As a rule, we humans desire things that aren't easy to get. We don't want the easy thing! Just think about it, man. The more you don't know how she feels about you, and the more you try... the more you WANT HER. It's working on YOU, but you can't see it! Here's the bottom line: Going with your emotions, and confessing your love for a girl too early on isn't always as "good" as it "seems" like it should be. If you smother her with too much attention, she's going to run from you and go find a challenging guy sooner or later. Let's asume you get really lucky and she agree's to be with you and stuff... I can be damn sure she's only agreeing because she doesn't know how to turn you down. And eventually she's gonna leave you soon enough due to the reason of no feelings. She's giving you all the "I really like you, you're a sweet guy, I can't bear to break your heart, and I DON'T FEEL IT FOR YOU" signals. You need to carefully consider your situation, and decide what you REALLY want. She doesn't have experience with men, relationships, and life. And from the sounds of it, neither do you. You're acting on emotion here. You're not THINKING. I didn't hear you say "Yea, well I've thought this over, and it makes a lot of sense for her and I to be together..." You're acting like a typical WUSSBAG, dude. It's time to face that reality... If you were in a court of law right now trying to prove that you weren't a WUSSY, you would not be able to provide even a shred of evidence to support your case. If the jury was made up of your Mom, Juliet(Romeo's girlfriend), Celine Dion, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Michael Jackson, even THEY would reach an UNDISPUTED verdict: WUSSY! They might even ask you to provide evidence that you're MALE... based on your testimony here. And you've only got yourself to thank for it. You did it all. Here's something for you to remember: Attention from a man can be like a DRUG for a woman... even if she isn't attracted to him. A woman will often allow a guy that is IN LOVE with her to pour his heart out, confess his feelings, and demonstrate his devotion... even though she has ZERO INTENTION of feeling the same way herself. And if you have a young woman who has never been in a relationship with a guy, this could be an even BIGGER probability. I don't have to explain why. Here's my guess: 95% chance she's not into you. 5% chance she is into you, but she's just too young, inexperienced, shy, or whatever to know what to do about it... or maybe she has some kind of strange religious perception that has brainwashed her into thinking that she needs to marry you before kissing you. But doubtful. You're in one hell of a of a situation. You're emotionally attached to this girl, and you "like-like" her. She's emotionally attached to you, but she most likely DOES NOT "like-like" YOU. What you do here is your choice, but the chances of something working out are slim-to-none, because you didn't create ATTRACTION at the beginning with this girl. And even if there were some sparks initially,your Wussy behavior has almost surely killed them all off for good. SOME GOOD NEWS Now that I've dealt you the bad news, let's talk about the future. Let's talk about what you can learn from this experience. And let's talk about how to use what you've learned to make your life great in the future. And who knows, maybe after you get your act together, and this girl gets a little bit of life and relationship experience, you just might get lucky and meet her in an airport and she'll forget what a girly-man you used to be... Actually, probably not. But it was a nice thought. In the future, if you are "interested" in a girl, you must remember to be a MAN around her. Women feel ATTRACTION for "MEN". On the other hand. they feel AFFECTION for "nice guys" that wind up becoming FRIENDS. Instead of waiting until the very end, when you are convinced that a woman isn't into you, before doing what you're learning from me... do it from the BEGINNING. You must SPARK the ATTRACTION right from the start. You can't wait until the end, man. What you were doing was like trying to take all the ingredients of a cake and bake them, then mix them. It doesn't work that way. In the future, you need to do the right things, in the right order. You've learned a valuable lesson. So appreciate what you've learned... even though it's hard. You're off to a good start now that you've read my stuff and all... but it really sounds to me like you need to REPROGRAM YOUR MIND. It sounds like you need a complete overhaul of your thinking and mentality. It sounds like you need a major DE-WUSSING,followed by a ground-up education on how to think, act, and communicate in a way that makes women feel ATTRACTION for you... Take it from me... I've been in your shoes. I know what it feels like to be doing every possible thing and giving as much as humanly possible... only to have a girl respond by saying "I don't know how I feel" or "I just think we should be friends". It sucks. Once you've reached to that level, it's gonna be really hard to repair it. But it doesn't have to be this way! |
Things can change. It's probably high time that you began changing.
