Having a flat stomach or more commonly, "washboard abs" is not just accomplished by working out daily, it has to become an all-encompassing lifestyle. The key components are healthy diet, cardiovascular training, and abdominal exercises. If a movie star stomach is your goal, you must realize that to achieve your goal you have to first concentrate on what you eat, not how many situps you do in a day.
Of course, as with any fitness and health goal - nutrition and exercise are always the main ingredient.
1) Healthy Diet
The most important factor in acquiring washboard abs is eating a healthy diet. Here is a list of recommended healthy ways to help you lose a few inches:
- Drink at least three liters of water per day (100 oz)
- Eat five servings of vegetables and fruits per day
- Eliminate fried foods and cheese
- Eliminate processed sugar (for example: sodas, cookies, candy)
- Eliminate fatty red meat
- only lean red meats (1-2 times weekly)
Diets like the Atkins and other high protein diets may help at first but to get rid of that last 10-15 pounds, it is recommended to lower calories to a range of 1500-2000 calories a day BUT you must exercise rigorously - both with abdominal exercises and cardio work.
2) Cardiovascular Exercise
Washboard abs, getting lean, and losing weight are all tied into a consistent cardiovascular workout program. You should do 30-45 minutes of activities like walking, running, biking, or swimming daily 4-5 times per week. It takes about four weeks before you start to see the physical benefits or your diet and exercise program.
You will see almost immediate results in your energy level, overall mental alertness when exercising daily. Start off slowly if you have not trained with much intensity in the past several years. A good way to get started is to walk or run with the following six weeks program:
Week #1 - Walk/run - 1 mile a day for 5 days a week
Week #2 - Walk/run - 2 miles a day for 5 days a week
Week #3 - Non-impact week - bike or swim for 20-30 minutes a day
Week #4 - Walk/run - 2 miles a day for 5 days a week
Week #5 - Walk/run - 3 miles a day for 4-5 days a week
Week #6 - Walk/run - 4 miles a day for 4-5 days a week
Note: week #3 is non-impact due to high number of injuries that occur to legs (knees, shins, feet, hips) during the third week of beginning a walking or running program.
3) The One Simple Exercise
The Ten-second Crunch is probably one of the best beginning exercises for firming up the belly. Simply lie on your back and lift your shoulder blades off the floor and hold for ten seconds. Repeat this at least for ten repetitions. Try repeating the 10 seconds crunch for 10 repetitions morning and night for starters. Also, stretch and flex your lower back for a few minutes after each set in order to balance the muscles that support your torso. However, a variety of abdominal exercises will help build the muscles under the fat.
Now - lose the fat by watching your diet and cardio vascular exercise and you will soon see the muscles!
Sample ab exercises are the following:
Hanging Knee-ups
Bring your knees as high as you can as shown.
Advanced Crunch - (Legs up)
Lie on your back with your feet straight in the air. Keep your legs straight up in the air for the advanced crunches. Cross your hands over your chest and bring your elbows to your knees by flexing your stomach. (Do not do if you have previous lower back injury - place feet on the floor)
Reverse Crunch
In the same position as the regular crunch, lift your knees and butt toward your elbows. Leave your head and upper body flat on the ground. Only move your legs and butt. (Do not do if you have previous lower back injury)
Double Crunch
Add the regular and reverse crunch together in one motion...You will feel this one twice as fast...
Right Elbow to Left Knee
Cross your left leg over your right leg. Flex your stomach and twist to bring your right elbow to your left knee.
Left Elbow to Right Knee
Same as above just switch sides. Cross your right leg over your leg. Flex your stomach and twist to bring your left elbow to your right knee.
Hip Rollers
This exercise will help you build your abs, back and hips to help with long ocean swims and balance out the hip flexors exercises. Twist to both sides keeping your shoulders on the floor and stay in the bent knee position when rotating left and right.
Note: Anytime you work your abs, you should also exercise your lower back to build balance in your torso.
Lower Back Exercise(Back Extentions)
Lie on your stomach with your arms extended over your head. Lift your right arm and your left leg off the ground at the same time and repeat for specified number of repetitions. Switch arms/legs and repeat.
Lower Back Exercise - Swimmers
Lie on your stomach and lift your feet and knees off the floor by flutter kicking repeatedly as if you were swimming freestyle.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Advanced Abdominal Exercises: Do not do if you are a beginner! These exercises are not healthy for weak or injured backs. If you cannot do the above swimmer exercises for 1:00 - do not attempt these exercises.
Situps
Lie on your back with your arms crossed over your chest, keeping your knees slightly bent. Raise your upper body off the floor by contracting your abdominal muscles. Touch your elbows to your thighs and repeat.
Half Situps
With your hands on your hips, lift your torso off the ground higher than a crunch but not as high as a full situp. Your middle/lower back will be on the floor still at the up position.
Flutterkicks
Place your hands under your hips. Lift your legs 6 inches off the floor and begin walking, raising each leg approximately 36 inches off the ground. Keep your legs straight and moving. This is a four count exercise.
Leg Levers
Lift your feet 6 inches off the floor. Raising both legs approximately 36 inches off the ground, keep your legs straight and off the floor until specified number of repetitions are complete.
Scissors
Lay on your back. Lift your feet 6 inches off the floor. Open and close both legs approximately 36 inches apart, keep your legs straight and off the floor until specified number of repetitions are complete.
Atomic Situps
Lift your feet 6 inches off the floor as if you were doing a leg lever. Pull your knees toward your chest while simultaneously lifting your upper body off the floor. This is a mix between the situp and the leg lever.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Squats
Simply put, squats are the most difficult, intimidating and painful exercise you could possibly have in your arsenal. They require massive amounts of discipline and willpower to perform correctly. After you have performed a set of squats to failure, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about! They are also a challenging exercise to master from a technical standpoint.
All this aside, they are also the most productive. Squats have packed more muscle onto skinny frames than any other lift out there. Because of the degree of difficulty, squats also force your body to release higher amounts of important anabolic hormones, such as testosterone and growth hormone, thus resulting in total body muscle growth. In addition, squats also cause what is known as a "spillover effect": a strength gain in almost all of your other exercises. When I started squatting to failure, my bench press increased by 20 pounds! If you're looking for serious muscle gains and you don't already squat, you'd better get started. Quite simply, they really, really work.
Unfortunately, many people have yet to experience the benefits of heavy squatting. Why? It seems that people will come up with just about any excuse they possibly can in order to steer clear form the squat rack. How many times have you heard the all too common "They're too hard on my knees", or "I heard they stunt your growth." What do I say to that? Nonsense! With the exception of a very small population of lifters, everyone can squat! The main reason that the squat rack seems to collect dust faster than any other piece of equipment in the gym is simply due to the amount of intensity one must generate in order to squat effectively. In addition to that, many myths have come up over the years that have convinced people to steer clear of this exercise. Let's take a look at these myths and clear them up once and for all.
#1: "Squatting will ruin your knees"
Just as the muscle tissue in your body strengthens when exposed to stress, the tendons, ligaments and other connective tissues in your body will also thicken in response to weightlifting. Because of this, heavy squatting can only increase knee strength. By strengthening the supporting muscles around the knee, you will also end up with much greater knee stability and strength. Knee problems when squatting will only occur through improper form, namely relaxing in the bottom position. When you relax the knee joint, it separates slightly, placing it in a compromising position. The solution? Don't relax in the bottom position! It's that simple. Keep everything tight and flexed and you'll have no problems.
#2: "Squatting is dangerous to the spine"
Again, weightlifting will only strengthen ligaments and connective tissues. If you like, you can use a weight belt when performing heavy, low rep sets, but otherwise you won't need it. Some lifters find squatting uncomfortable to the cervical spine (your neck) because of the bar resting there. Most lifters get used to it, but if you find it to be a big problem you can simply place a towel or pad underneath the bar.
#3: "Squats are dangerous to the heart"
Many weightlifting exercises restrict blood flow due to long periods of muscular contraction. Elevated blood pressure will result from this, but it is only temporary and isn't dangerous. The heart, just like all other muscles of the body, will adapt to the stress that is placed upon it. Therefore, squatting will help to strengthen the cardiovascular system. However, just to remain on the safe side, those with coronary diseases may want to consult a physician before beginning any kind of weight training program.
#4: "Squats will decrease your speed"
It is a well known and accepted fact by exercise physicists that the stronger a muscle is, the faster it will contract and the more force it can apply off the ground. Therefore, speed can only be increased through the use of squatting. I was a 100 metre sprinter in high school, and when I incorporated heavy squats into my weightlifting routine I was able to cut a full second off my time.
Well, so much for those myths!
The important thing to remember is that any negative consequences brought on by squatting are the result of improper technique and not the exercise itself. Squatting is safe and hugely effective. So if you're one of those people who fears the squat, quit being a wimp! Gather some courage and drag your ass over to the squat rack. Well, what do you say? Do you want to get huge? I mean really, really huge? Then continue reading and be prepared for some mind-blowing gains.
Still with me?
Awesome; let's learn the proper technique.
-Proper Squatting Technique-
For safety reasons you should always perform your squats in a power rack or cage. This way you can adjust the height at which you clear the bar, and you can drop the bar on the safety pins if you need to bail. The safety pins should be set at just below the depth you are squatting and the J Hooks should be set at about the level of your nipples.
At all times during the squat your head should be pulled back, your chest raised and you should have a slight arch in your lower back. You should always be looking straight ahead, and at no time should you be leaning too far forward, or be looking up or down.
Step up to the bar, placing your hands at about the same width as a bench press. Before clearing the bar, make sure it is placed evenly along your traps. The bar should rest on the lower portion of your traps and across your rear delts. It should almost feel as if the bar is going to roll off your back. Now that you have cleared the bar, take only as many steps back as necessary. Most squat injuries occur when backing up, so make sure that you only back up as far as you need to. Your feet should be placed about shoulder width apart or slightly wider, and they should point out at a 45-degree angle.
Take a big, deep breath, and make your descent. You should not lower yourself straight down, but rather as if you were sitting in a chair behind you. At all times your knee must remain in line with your feet, and they should never bow in. Lower yourself until your thighs are at least parallel to the ground. If in doubt, go lower!
As soon as you have reached the bottom position, rise up immediately. Do not relax in the bottom position! Drive up with your heels and straighten your back as quickly as possible.
Once you are in the upright position again, take another deep breath, and continue the lift until you have completed the desired number of reps.
How many reps should you perform? It depends. There are many who say that 20 rep squats are the most beneficial. Others say 12-15. Some people might use 6-8. It all depends on the person. I personally perform 5-7 reps. Experiment and see what works best for you!
All this aside, they are also the most productive. Squats have packed more muscle onto skinny frames than any other lift out there. Because of the degree of difficulty, squats also force your body to release higher amounts of important anabolic hormones, such as testosterone and growth hormone, thus resulting in total body muscle growth. In addition, squats also cause what is known as a "spillover effect": a strength gain in almost all of your other exercises. When I started squatting to failure, my bench press increased by 20 pounds! If you're looking for serious muscle gains and you don't already squat, you'd better get started. Quite simply, they really, really work.
Unfortunately, many people have yet to experience the benefits of heavy squatting. Why? It seems that people will come up with just about any excuse they possibly can in order to steer clear form the squat rack. How many times have you heard the all too common "They're too hard on my knees", or "I heard they stunt your growth." What do I say to that? Nonsense! With the exception of a very small population of lifters, everyone can squat! The main reason that the squat rack seems to collect dust faster than any other piece of equipment in the gym is simply due to the amount of intensity one must generate in order to squat effectively. In addition to that, many myths have come up over the years that have convinced people to steer clear of this exercise. Let's take a look at these myths and clear them up once and for all.
#1: "Squatting will ruin your knees"
Just as the muscle tissue in your body strengthens when exposed to stress, the tendons, ligaments and other connective tissues in your body will also thicken in response to weightlifting. Because of this, heavy squatting can only increase knee strength. By strengthening the supporting muscles around the knee, you will also end up with much greater knee stability and strength. Knee problems when squatting will only occur through improper form, namely relaxing in the bottom position. When you relax the knee joint, it separates slightly, placing it in a compromising position. The solution? Don't relax in the bottom position! It's that simple. Keep everything tight and flexed and you'll have no problems.
#2: "Squatting is dangerous to the spine"
Again, weightlifting will only strengthen ligaments and connective tissues. If you like, you can use a weight belt when performing heavy, low rep sets, but otherwise you won't need it. Some lifters find squatting uncomfortable to the cervical spine (your neck) because of the bar resting there. Most lifters get used to it, but if you find it to be a big problem you can simply place a towel or pad underneath the bar.
#3: "Squats are dangerous to the heart"
Many weightlifting exercises restrict blood flow due to long periods of muscular contraction. Elevated blood pressure will result from this, but it is only temporary and isn't dangerous. The heart, just like all other muscles of the body, will adapt to the stress that is placed upon it. Therefore, squatting will help to strengthen the cardiovascular system. However, just to remain on the safe side, those with coronary diseases may want to consult a physician before beginning any kind of weight training program.
#4: "Squats will decrease your speed"
It is a well known and accepted fact by exercise physicists that the stronger a muscle is, the faster it will contract and the more force it can apply off the ground. Therefore, speed can only be increased through the use of squatting. I was a 100 metre sprinter in high school, and when I incorporated heavy squats into my weightlifting routine I was able to cut a full second off my time.
Well, so much for those myths!
The important thing to remember is that any negative consequences brought on by squatting are the result of improper technique and not the exercise itself. Squatting is safe and hugely effective. So if you're one of those people who fears the squat, quit being a wimp! Gather some courage and drag your ass over to the squat rack. Well, what do you say? Do you want to get huge? I mean really, really huge? Then continue reading and be prepared for some mind-blowing gains.
Still with me?
Awesome; let's learn the proper technique.
-Proper Squatting Technique-
For safety reasons you should always perform your squats in a power rack or cage. This way you can adjust the height at which you clear the bar, and you can drop the bar on the safety pins if you need to bail. The safety pins should be set at just below the depth you are squatting and the J Hooks should be set at about the level of your nipples.
At all times during the squat your head should be pulled back, your chest raised and you should have a slight arch in your lower back. You should always be looking straight ahead, and at no time should you be leaning too far forward, or be looking up or down.
Step up to the bar, placing your hands at about the same width as a bench press. Before clearing the bar, make sure it is placed evenly along your traps. The bar should rest on the lower portion of your traps and across your rear delts. It should almost feel as if the bar is going to roll off your back. Now that you have cleared the bar, take only as many steps back as necessary. Most squat injuries occur when backing up, so make sure that you only back up as far as you need to. Your feet should be placed about shoulder width apart or slightly wider, and they should point out at a 45-degree angle.
Take a big, deep breath, and make your descent. You should not lower yourself straight down, but rather as if you were sitting in a chair behind you. At all times your knee must remain in line with your feet, and they should never bow in. Lower yourself until your thighs are at least parallel to the ground. If in doubt, go lower!
As soon as you have reached the bottom position, rise up immediately. Do not relax in the bottom position! Drive up with your heels and straighten your back as quickly as possible.
Once you are in the upright position again, take another deep breath, and continue the lift until you have completed the desired number of reps.
How many reps should you perform? It depends. There are many who say that 20 rep squats are the most beneficial. Others say 12-15. Some people might use 6-8. It all depends on the person. I personally perform 5-7 reps. Experiment and see what works best for you!
Deadlift
There was a day when bodybuilders were characterized by thick massive torsos, tumbling traps, and sweeping lats that hung like boxcar doors from broad-beamed shoulders. All this came about from slapping as many iron plates as possible onto a barbell and dead lifting it off the ground in whatever manner it took to get the weight up.
The deadlift will work you from finger to neck to toe. It is a raw, basic power movement and will literally stress every single muscle in your entire body to some degree. The main areas of stimulation are the back (lower and upper) and thighs, but once you start deadlifting on a consistent basis you’ll see gains just about everywhere. The high intensity nature of this basic lift will also force your body to secrete higher amounts of powerful anabolic substances such as testosterone and growth hormone. This causes what is known as a "spill over effect", and will result in new, total body size and strength gains. For example, after a few weeks of heavy deadlifting you should notice that your other lifts, such as the bench press and barbell row, will suddenly increase.
The deadlift is the oldest of all weight training exercises and is one of the most effective exercises for overall body development. Deadlifts are not pretty and neither are the men who hoisted them, but this movement made their physiques the biggest, thickest, and strongest in the world.
The deadlift is a compound movement that works all of the major muscles in the body, with most of emphasis on the traps, spinal erectors, hips, glutes, and hamstrings. The remaining muscles are involved in stability control.
It is the purest single test of strength because it is one of the few lifts where you lift a dead weight off the ground. In most other lifts the weight changes direction or starts from the top position and you can use reverseal strength and momentum to rebound and assist in lifting the weight, as in the squat and bench press.
The deadlift will work you from finger to neck to toe. It is a raw, basic power movement and will literally stress every single muscle in your entire body to some degree. The main areas of stimulation are the back (lower and upper) and thighs, but once you start deadlifting on a consistent basis you’ll see gains just about everywhere. The high intensity nature of this basic lift will also force your body to secrete higher amounts of powerful anabolic substances such as testosterone and growth hormone. This causes what is known as a "spill over effect", and will result in new, total body size and strength gains. For example, after a few weeks of heavy deadlifting you should notice that your other lifts, such as the bench press and barbell row, will suddenly increase.
The deadlift is the oldest of all weight training exercises and is one of the most effective exercises for overall body development. Deadlifts are not pretty and neither are the men who hoisted them, but this movement made their physiques the biggest, thickest, and strongest in the world.
The deadlift is a compound movement that works all of the major muscles in the body, with most of emphasis on the traps, spinal erectors, hips, glutes, and hamstrings. The remaining muscles are involved in stability control.
It is the purest single test of strength because it is one of the few lifts where you lift a dead weight off the ground. In most other lifts the weight changes direction or starts from the top position and you can use reverseal strength and momentum to rebound and assist in lifting the weight, as in the squat and bench press.
The Reality Of Strength Training Exercise.
The Reality Of Strength Training Exercise.
When strength training became a popular way of athletic preparation back in the 50's and 60's, everyone was rushing to find the "best" way to train. Back in these early days, very little attention was given to the "scientific" aspect of the sport. Your average lifter would train using basic lifts, receive proper nutrition from a variety of foods and give their bodies time to rest and recuperate. It was that simple. No complicated supplements, special "lifting techniques" or masses of ineffective information. Just basic, sensible lifting.
When the "fitness boom" of the 70's hit, people began questioning these methods and demanded scientific evidence to support these training theories. Companies realized the potential to make a profit and began flooding the strength training world with ineffective supplements and equipment. If I had a dime for every "break through fitness program" I've seen, I'd be rich.
Over the years, strength training theories have actually gone downhill. Hard, persistent and dedicated work in the weightroom has been overtaken by a mass of miracle weight-gain pills and bogus bodybuilding programs. People always seem to be looking for an easier route to attaining a muscular build.
The reality of it all is that attaining an "in-shape" and strong physique is not purely a matter of science. The fact of the matter is that the achievement of this ultimate goal is not complex. That's not saying it's easy, but it really isn't as complicated as most of the "experts" make it out to be. Successful lifters must have tremendous focus and tolerance for pain. They must persevere in all situations and continually place their bodies under greater stress in order to better their physiques. They must eat the right foods and avoid the wrong foods and ensure that their bodies are receiving adequate rest. I have great respect for each and every individual out there who is able to continually and systematically follow these guidelines on their quest to mind-blowing muscle mass and strength. However, far too often we see serious lifters over-analyzing every situation in the weightroom; Extremely simple things that will do little to nothing in bettering their current lifting approach.
The bottom line is to provide your body with a stimulus for growth using basic compound lifts, feed your body by consuming the proper nutrients, and give your muscles time to rest and recuperate. If you have these three elements down, there really isn't a whole lot more you can do to increase the effectiveness of your lifting regiment.
So why is it that every time I go to the gym I see the same misinformed people, week in and week out, slaving away on endless sets of concentration curls and tricep kickbacks? It makes me cringe when I see some of the ridiculous techniques these "lifters" are using. What you put in is what you get out, and submaximal intensities will yield submaximal results. The tougher the lift is, the better your body will respond. The whole idea behind weightlifting is to yield an adaptive response from the musculature, meaning the body must believe it is in life threatening danger. I don't care what anyone says, heavy squats, deadlifts, bench presses, overhead presses, rows and chins are the toughest lifts and without a question the most effective. Don't get me wrong, isolation lifts can have their spot in a successful routine, but certainly not in place of these basic compound lifts.
In the end, strength training is definitely more "art" than "science". I don't know everything about everything, but I'm certain of what I'm certain of, and I'm certain that the basic principles of gaining size and strength that were first put forth in the 1950's still hold true to this very day. Stop making it more complicated than it has to be! Get into the squat rack and squat! Load up the bar and deadlift! Yes, these are the toughest lifts, and that is exactly why you should be doing them! Building muscle and gaining strength is simple! Do you want to get big and strong? Then forget about all of the useless theories people seem to constantly put forth. Stop over-analyzing every situation. Stop wasting your time on useless debates about the latest breakthrough training principles. Go to the gym and train!
"There is no secret routine, there is no magical number of reps and sets. What there is, is confidence, belief, hard work on a consistent basis, and a desire to succeed."
- Steve Justa -
When strength training became a popular way of athletic preparation back in the 50's and 60's, everyone was rushing to find the "best" way to train. Back in these early days, very little attention was given to the "scientific" aspect of the sport. Your average lifter would train using basic lifts, receive proper nutrition from a variety of foods and give their bodies time to rest and recuperate. It was that simple. No complicated supplements, special "lifting techniques" or masses of ineffective information. Just basic, sensible lifting.
When the "fitness boom" of the 70's hit, people began questioning these methods and demanded scientific evidence to support these training theories. Companies realized the potential to make a profit and began flooding the strength training world with ineffective supplements and equipment. If I had a dime for every "break through fitness program" I've seen, I'd be rich.
Over the years, strength training theories have actually gone downhill. Hard, persistent and dedicated work in the weightroom has been overtaken by a mass of miracle weight-gain pills and bogus bodybuilding programs. People always seem to be looking for an easier route to attaining a muscular build.
The reality of it all is that attaining an "in-shape" and strong physique is not purely a matter of science. The fact of the matter is that the achievement of this ultimate goal is not complex. That's not saying it's easy, but it really isn't as complicated as most of the "experts" make it out to be. Successful lifters must have tremendous focus and tolerance for pain. They must persevere in all situations and continually place their bodies under greater stress in order to better their physiques. They must eat the right foods and avoid the wrong foods and ensure that their bodies are receiving adequate rest. I have great respect for each and every individual out there who is able to continually and systematically follow these guidelines on their quest to mind-blowing muscle mass and strength. However, far too often we see serious lifters over-analyzing every situation in the weightroom; Extremely simple things that will do little to nothing in bettering their current lifting approach.
The bottom line is to provide your body with a stimulus for growth using basic compound lifts, feed your body by consuming the proper nutrients, and give your muscles time to rest and recuperate. If you have these three elements down, there really isn't a whole lot more you can do to increase the effectiveness of your lifting regiment.
So why is it that every time I go to the gym I see the same misinformed people, week in and week out, slaving away on endless sets of concentration curls and tricep kickbacks? It makes me cringe when I see some of the ridiculous techniques these "lifters" are using. What you put in is what you get out, and submaximal intensities will yield submaximal results. The tougher the lift is, the better your body will respond. The whole idea behind weightlifting is to yield an adaptive response from the musculature, meaning the body must believe it is in life threatening danger. I don't care what anyone says, heavy squats, deadlifts, bench presses, overhead presses, rows and chins are the toughest lifts and without a question the most effective. Don't get me wrong, isolation lifts can have their spot in a successful routine, but certainly not in place of these basic compound lifts.
In the end, strength training is definitely more "art" than "science". I don't know everything about everything, but I'm certain of what I'm certain of, and I'm certain that the basic principles of gaining size and strength that were first put forth in the 1950's still hold true to this very day. Stop making it more complicated than it has to be! Get into the squat rack and squat! Load up the bar and deadlift! Yes, these are the toughest lifts, and that is exactly why you should be doing them! Building muscle and gaining strength is simple! Do you want to get big and strong? Then forget about all of the useless theories people seem to constantly put forth. Stop over-analyzing every situation. Stop wasting your time on useless debates about the latest breakthrough training principles. Go to the gym and train!
"There is no secret routine, there is no magical number of reps and sets. What there is, is confidence, belief, hard work on a consistent basis, and a desire to succeed."
- Steve Justa -
Thursday, July 3, 2008
How does Romance apply to attraction?
You've probably noticed that I don't talk about the idea of "romance" very often.
There's a good reason for this.
I think that most guys use romance incompletely the wrong way, and in the process screw up their chances with the woman that they are interested in.
I'm going to take some time here to talk about my personal perspective on romance, how it is misused, and how to use it to really make a woman feel attracted to you.
Most guys make one of two main mistakes when trying to be "romantic":
1) They try to use romance to CREATE attraction.
2) They use TOO MUCH romance, thinking that more must be better.
Let me ask you this... What does romance mean to you?
I'm serious. Think about it for a minute.
Does romance mean gifts and flower?
Does it mean fancy dinners?
Does it mean candles and soft music?
To me, romance is about showing a softer side of yourself... a more thoughtful side... in a way that is meant to INCREASE the woman's attraction for you.
Like I just mentioned, most guys either try to use romance to CREATE attraction, or they do too many things in an attempt to "be romantic", and the effect is lost.
Here's a quiz:
In general, would a woman think you were more romantic if you:
1) Brought her red roses every time you saw her.
2) Brought her one flower the fourth time you saw her, but it was her favorite flower, in her favorite color.
...???
Here's another one...
In general, would a woman think you were more romantic if you:
1) Took her to a fancy dinner every time you saw her.
2) Didn't take her to dinner, but one night cooked her a favorite dish that your mom taught you and told her the story of how it came to be a family favorite?
Do you see where I'm going with these examples?
"Romance" is all about the context of the situation. In other words, little things that are thoughtful, used once in awhile will make FAR more of an impact than trying to do everything you possibly can all the time.
Have you ever seen a T. V. show or movie with a girl holding a flower, pulling off each petal one at a time and saying, "He loves me, he loves me not"?
This is a famous cliche...
What's going on here? And why is it now such a famous idea that it is almost universally known?
Because it strikes a chord inside of women everywhere! Every woman can relate to the idea of thinking about a man and wondering if he's thinking about her.
Pulling petals off of a flower and saying, "He loves me, he loves me not", is just another way of saying, "I can't stop thinking about this guy and I'm going to keep thinking about him until I know how he feels."
As you know, if you've read most of my older post I think that it's important toCREATE this kind of situation as much as humanly possible.
Now, here's where romance fits into the puzzle... If you're doing things that you consider to be "romantic" all the time, then she has nothing to wonder about... nothing to think about... there is no challenge or mystery at all.
On the other hand, if you use romance more carefully and keep her on the edge of her seat, so to speak, then a small romantic gesture will cause her to feel GREAT feelings of attraction inside...and cause her to work even harder to get and keep your attention - BECAUSE SHE'LL TRY HARDER TO GET MORE OUT OF THIS ROMANTIC SIDE OF YOU!
So what are some things you can do, that women see as romantic, without going overboard?
Well, if you want to do the typical things like flowers, gifts, music, poetry, etc. then do as I said earlier: Use them VERY infrequently. Tease her, bust on her, treat her like a bratty little sister most of the time, then out of nowhere do something thoughtful. But make sure to stay cool when the emotional reaction comes!
She's probably going to be very happy and want to know "where that came from." Just tell her that you were thinking about her and move on to the next topic. Don't get all mushy, dude.
By the way, if you've gone out with a woman 47 times, and you don't know if she likes you, and you're now thinking, "Oh, hey... great idea! I'll buy her a flower and she'll feel attracted to me..." then get a new idea.
Romance isn't a way to make a woman feel attracted to you.
Romance is a way to AMPLIFY attraction that is already happening.
Read that last part again... DON'T TRY TO MAKE A WOMAN FEEL ATTRACTED TO YOU WITH ROMANCE!
Attraction is created by factors other than gifts, dinners, flowers, etc.
If she's not feeling attracted to you, then showing her that you're attracted to her probably isn't going to change it... in fact, it may just push her away.
I know, I know... you once heard about a guy who pursued a woman for 9 years until she finally gave in and married him. Well, that might work, but I don't have 9 years (unless it's Cindy Crawford... yeah, I know she's like 50, but she's STILL hot).
Earlier I mentioned a couple of great ideas. You can cook her a special meal that has meaning... and tell the story behind it. Stories are romantic, especially if the story contains a love story.
And small gifts can be romantic as well (I don't like big gifts because they change the dynamic of the relationship and can create all kinds of feelings that it's a trade of affection for money, etc.).
If you pay attention, a woman will mention something that she really likes. It could be a kind of flower, a kind of music, an author, etc. If you want to be romantic (after you know that she's attracted to you) you can get something thoughtful then write a card that says, "I was thinking about you, and I found this... thought you would like it. Muakx."
Use romance as the spice, and not the main dish. Use it to amplify, not as your main strategy.
Romance combined with the techniques that I teach is a VERY powerful combination.
QUICK NOTE: One of the most "romantic" things you can possibly do is learn how to communicate with women on a "sexual" level. There's nothing as powerful as using subtle communication to put a woman into a VERY romantic mood.
HOW TO CREATE A SETTING THAT AUTOMATICALLY CREATES AND AMPLIFIES ATTRACTION...
We just talked about how most guys either have no clue about romance, or they use it too much...which screws up everything for them.
There is one aspect of romance that I have found very useful to know more about and use. It's the concept of how to create a SETTING that will create more of a feeling of attraction inside of the woman that you are with.
WARNING: What I'm about to share with you is not a magic bullet. It's no substitute for a cocky, funny personality and great skills. Using this alone will not make you successful with women.
With that said... I've found that there are a few things you can do in your immediate environment to "accelerate the mood", so to speak,when you are with a woman.
Women have very active senses... usually much more so than men.
If you have already sparked the attraction between you and her, introducing certain sensory stimulus will usually increase the attraction, and can lead to a more, shall we say "physical" demonstration of that attraction.
OK, let's say that you've had a fun night out with your girl and you're back at your place.
And then you use the Kiss Test, which involves alot about going forward and pulling back while kissing during the right moments.
Well, most guys make the HUGE mistake of trying to grope the poor girl... which, of course leads to the inevitable "I think that we're moving a little fast. Let's take things slower."(Translation: "None for you tonight, and if you try that again, none for you anytime in the next 10 dates.")
Instead, try this:
After that first kiss, pull back and look into her eyes and say, "Yum." Then stand up and say,"Let me see if I can do something about this setting" in a fun, smooth, kind-of suspenseful tone of voice.
Here's the recipe:
1) A few candles
2) Some incense
3) A glass of wine (if you both drink)
4) Some Air Supply on low
I know it sounds simple, but let me explain the recipe now that you know the ingredients.
Do the 2 steps forward and then 1 step back comcept. Mix up these ingredients with that concept... and VIOLA! More and MORE AND MORE attraction.
You probably don't need to learn how to light candles, open wine, and play music. If you do, refer to the instructions that come with the products.
I personally like to introduce these as great ways to interrupt the kissing (and whatever else is going on).
Try this:
1) Kiss Kiss
2) "Let me see if I can do something about this setting"
3) Light candles and incense, lower lighting
4) Kiss Kiss
5) Open wine and put on Air Supply
6) Kiss Kiss
7) Watch out... because something good is about to happen.
Here's what's going on in her mind:
"Oh, we're kissing. I'd better not let this go too far."
"What? Why did he stop kissing me? Oh, candles. I love candles..."
"Wow, this is turning into a make-out session, maybe I'd better put on the brakes."
"What? Why did he stop again?"
"Ohhh, I LOVE 'Air Supply'. They are just fantastic. And this wine is nice. Hmm, I wonder why he isn't trying to jump my bones. Maybe he doesn't think I'm a good kisser. Maybe he changed his mind. Well I'm not going to let that happen. I'll show him..."
Do you get it?
By simultaneously creating tension while making the setting more and more 'romantic', you will stir up her ATTRACTION towards you and make her be the one who ultimately gets so worked up that she can't help but have you.
Nice.
Of course there are many other things you can do that are romantic. Like sprinkling rose petals on the bed, pulling out some chocolate, etc. . .
It's really up to you.
The key is to use these things sparingly, and use them with the concepts that you've already learned to AMPLIFY THE ATTRACTION that you've already created with your COMMUNICATION.
So remember, use these things with women who are ALREADY feeling the attraction, not to create it!
There's a good reason for this.
I think that most guys use romance incompletely the wrong way, and in the process screw up their chances with the woman that they are interested in.
I'm going to take some time here to talk about my personal perspective on romance, how it is misused, and how to use it to really make a woman feel attracted to you.
Most guys make one of two main mistakes when trying to be "romantic":
1) They try to use romance to CREATE attraction.
2) They use TOO MUCH romance, thinking that more must be better.
Let me ask you this... What does romance mean to you?
I'm serious. Think about it for a minute.
Does romance mean gifts and flower?
Does it mean fancy dinners?
Does it mean candles and soft music?
To me, romance is about showing a softer side of yourself... a more thoughtful side... in a way that is meant to INCREASE the woman's attraction for you.
Like I just mentioned, most guys either try to use romance to CREATE attraction, or they do too many things in an attempt to "be romantic", and the effect is lost.
Here's a quiz:
In general, would a woman think you were more romantic if you:
1) Brought her red roses every time you saw her.
2) Brought her one flower the fourth time you saw her, but it was her favorite flower, in her favorite color.
...???
Here's another one...
In general, would a woman think you were more romantic if you:
1) Took her to a fancy dinner every time you saw her.
2) Didn't take her to dinner, but one night cooked her a favorite dish that your mom taught you and told her the story of how it came to be a family favorite?
Do you see where I'm going with these examples?
"Romance" is all about the context of the situation. In other words, little things that are thoughtful, used once in awhile will make FAR more of an impact than trying to do everything you possibly can all the time.
Have you ever seen a T. V. show or movie with a girl holding a flower, pulling off each petal one at a time and saying, "He loves me, he loves me not"?
This is a famous cliche...
What's going on here? And why is it now such a famous idea that it is almost universally known?
Because it strikes a chord inside of women everywhere! Every woman can relate to the idea of thinking about a man and wondering if he's thinking about her.
Pulling petals off of a flower and saying, "He loves me, he loves me not", is just another way of saying, "I can't stop thinking about this guy and I'm going to keep thinking about him until I know how he feels."
As you know, if you've read most of my older post I think that it's important toCREATE this kind of situation as much as humanly possible.
Now, here's where romance fits into the puzzle... If you're doing things that you consider to be "romantic" all the time, then she has nothing to wonder about... nothing to think about... there is no challenge or mystery at all.
On the other hand, if you use romance more carefully and keep her on the edge of her seat, so to speak, then a small romantic gesture will cause her to feel GREAT feelings of attraction inside...and cause her to work even harder to get and keep your attention - BECAUSE SHE'LL TRY HARDER TO GET MORE OUT OF THIS ROMANTIC SIDE OF YOU!
So what are some things you can do, that women see as romantic, without going overboard?
Well, if you want to do the typical things like flowers, gifts, music, poetry, etc. then do as I said earlier: Use them VERY infrequently. Tease her, bust on her, treat her like a bratty little sister most of the time, then out of nowhere do something thoughtful. But make sure to stay cool when the emotional reaction comes!
She's probably going to be very happy and want to know "where that came from." Just tell her that you were thinking about her and move on to the next topic. Don't get all mushy, dude.
By the way, if you've gone out with a woman 47 times, and you don't know if she likes you, and you're now thinking, "Oh, hey... great idea! I'll buy her a flower and she'll feel attracted to me..." then get a new idea.
Romance isn't a way to make a woman feel attracted to you.
Romance is a way to AMPLIFY attraction that is already happening.
Read that last part again... DON'T TRY TO MAKE A WOMAN FEEL ATTRACTED TO YOU WITH ROMANCE!
Attraction is created by factors other than gifts, dinners, flowers, etc.
If she's not feeling attracted to you, then showing her that you're attracted to her probably isn't going to change it... in fact, it may just push her away.
I know, I know... you once heard about a guy who pursued a woman for 9 years until she finally gave in and married him. Well, that might work, but I don't have 9 years (unless it's Cindy Crawford... yeah, I know she's like 50, but she's STILL hot).
Earlier I mentioned a couple of great ideas. You can cook her a special meal that has meaning... and tell the story behind it. Stories are romantic, especially if the story contains a love story.
And small gifts can be romantic as well (I don't like big gifts because they change the dynamic of the relationship and can create all kinds of feelings that it's a trade of affection for money, etc.).
If you pay attention, a woman will mention something that she really likes. It could be a kind of flower, a kind of music, an author, etc. If you want to be romantic (after you know that she's attracted to you) you can get something thoughtful then write a card that says, "I was thinking about you, and I found this... thought you would like it. Muakx."
Use romance as the spice, and not the main dish. Use it to amplify, not as your main strategy.
Romance combined with the techniques that I teach is a VERY powerful combination.
QUICK NOTE: One of the most "romantic" things you can possibly do is learn how to communicate with women on a "sexual" level. There's nothing as powerful as using subtle communication to put a woman into a VERY romantic mood.
HOW TO CREATE A SETTING THAT AUTOMATICALLY CREATES AND AMPLIFIES ATTRACTION...
We just talked about how most guys either have no clue about romance, or they use it too much...which screws up everything for them.
There is one aspect of romance that I have found very useful to know more about and use. It's the concept of how to create a SETTING that will create more of a feeling of attraction inside of the woman that you are with.
WARNING: What I'm about to share with you is not a magic bullet. It's no substitute for a cocky, funny personality and great skills. Using this alone will not make you successful with women.
With that said... I've found that there are a few things you can do in your immediate environment to "accelerate the mood", so to speak,when you are with a woman.
Women have very active senses... usually much more so than men.
If you have already sparked the attraction between you and her, introducing certain sensory stimulus will usually increase the attraction, and can lead to a more, shall we say "physical" demonstration of that attraction.
OK, let's say that you've had a fun night out with your girl and you're back at your place.
And then you use the Kiss Test, which involves alot about going forward and pulling back while kissing during the right moments.
Well, most guys make the HUGE mistake of trying to grope the poor girl... which, of course leads to the inevitable "I think that we're moving a little fast. Let's take things slower."(Translation: "None for you tonight, and if you try that again, none for you anytime in the next 10 dates.")
Instead, try this:
After that first kiss, pull back and look into her eyes and say, "Yum." Then stand up and say,"Let me see if I can do something about this setting" in a fun, smooth, kind-of suspenseful tone of voice.
Here's the recipe:
1) A few candles
2) Some incense
3) A glass of wine (if you both drink)
4) Some Air Supply on low
I know it sounds simple, but let me explain the recipe now that you know the ingredients.
Do the 2 steps forward and then 1 step back comcept. Mix up these ingredients with that concept... and VIOLA! More and MORE AND MORE attraction.
You probably don't need to learn how to light candles, open wine, and play music. If you do, refer to the instructions that come with the products.
I personally like to introduce these as great ways to interrupt the kissing (and whatever else is going on).
Try this:
1) Kiss Kiss
2) "Let me see if I can do something about this setting"
3) Light candles and incense, lower lighting
4) Kiss Kiss
5) Open wine and put on Air Supply
6) Kiss Kiss
7) Watch out... because something good is about to happen.
Here's what's going on in her mind:
"Oh, we're kissing. I'd better not let this go too far."
"What? Why did he stop kissing me? Oh, candles. I love candles..."
"Wow, this is turning into a make-out session, maybe I'd better put on the brakes."
"What? Why did he stop again?"
"Ohhh, I LOVE 'Air Supply'. They are just fantastic. And this wine is nice. Hmm, I wonder why he isn't trying to jump my bones. Maybe he doesn't think I'm a good kisser. Maybe he changed his mind. Well I'm not going to let that happen. I'll show him..."
Do you get it?
By simultaneously creating tension while making the setting more and more 'romantic', you will stir up her ATTRACTION towards you and make her be the one who ultimately gets so worked up that she can't help but have you.
Nice.
Of course there are many other things you can do that are romantic. Like sprinkling rose petals on the bed, pulling out some chocolate, etc. . .
It's really up to you.
The key is to use these things sparingly, and use them with the concepts that you've already learned to AMPLIFY THE ATTRACTION that you've already created with your COMMUNICATION.
So remember, use these things with women who are ALREADY feeling the attraction, not to create it!
Why do women feel attraction for jerks?
Why do women feel attracted to jerks?
Now I realized that JERKS attract hot women.
But why?
Selfish behavior, as unhealthy as this might sound, often makes women feel attracted to you.
Sarcasm, ball busting, playing hard to get and all kinds of other "illogical" things really do work when it comes to attracting women.
But, then there is this dilemma...
I love the idea of being successful with women but, I HATE the idea of mistreating people, being mean to them, lying and being misleading, etc.
Deep down, I wanted to be a good guy.
I decided that there MUST be a way to make this work, and to attract women without being ABUSIVE.
The good news is that THERE IS a way.
But, it requires that you put aside your current ideas for just long enough to entertain some new ones.
First, let me say that I believe I've found a way to take the things that JERKS do to attract women and use them WITHOUT THE ABUSE. When you learn to do this, you can really have the best of both worlds... you can be nice to women on your own terms, and give them what they REALLY want, and what REALLY attracts them.
So, WHY DO WOMEN BECOME ATTRACTED TO JERKS?
The short answer is that they don't CHOOSE it, it's something that just HAPPENS.
ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE.
It's an emotional response to certain things.
Women don't CHOOSE to feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for jerks any more than YOU choose to feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for young, beautiful, firm and tight women.
Nature has preprogrammed MEN with a mechanism that works like this:
SEE HOT WOMEN ---> FEEL ATTRACTION
Well, women have a similar mechanism. But I think that the female version is MORE COMPLEX.
Yes, women do feel attraction for extremely handsome men... but they feel a MUCH STRONGER ATTRACTION for certain PERSONALITY TRAITS and BEHAVIORS than they do for physical looks alone.
So, again the short answer is that it's just something that "happens" inside of a women.
She doesn't "choose" it.
So, what is it about the "jerk" that creates this powerful, uncontrollable ATTRACTION inside of women?
Let me answer first by telling you what IT'S NOT:
It's NOT the abuse (not usually anyway). I don't believe that women are attracted to that abusive, mean, negative part of the "jerk personality".
I think that jerks JUST HAPPEN to also possess several ATTRACTIVE qualities that are SO POWERFUL that they literally make women BLIND to the abuse... women will rationalize and excuse the abusive behavior because they are so attracted to these other qualities.
Here's a PARTIAL list of what creates that ATTRACTION:
- Unpredictable
- Uncontrollable
- Challenging
- Dominant
Of course, there are many more, but this will get us started for this discussion.
The qualities I've listed above, when presented correctly, trigger the natural "attraction mechanism" inside of women.
Jerks have taken natural qualities that are ATTRACTIVE to women a little "too far".
But because they're still there, the qualities trigger the attraction anyway.
So, what does this mean to you?
Well, the most important thing is that it means you can still be a good guy AND attract women at the same time.
You're probably going to have to learn how to flirt in a different way, become a little more comfortable being challenging to women, etc. But, in the end, you'll find that this will get you what you want and still allow you to treat women well... all on your own terms.
It also means that instead of being the guy who women talk to about their relationship problems and how their mean jerk boyfriend is being abusive again... you can be the guy who they're dating and sleeping with!
Yes!
Now, I'd like you to take time to think about what I've said here.
Think about how you can cultivate the four qualities that I've mentioned above into your personality.
See if you can be a little less predictable.
Don't let outside events or women control you.
Be more of a challenge.
Stop being submissive... and get in touch with that side of you that is more dominant (I said"dominant", not "domineering").
This will give you a GREAT head start.
Now I realized that JERKS attract hot women.
But why?
Selfish behavior, as unhealthy as this might sound, often makes women feel attracted to you.
Sarcasm, ball busting, playing hard to get and all kinds of other "illogical" things really do work when it comes to attracting women.
But, then there is this dilemma...
I love the idea of being successful with women but, I HATE the idea of mistreating people, being mean to them, lying and being misleading, etc.
Deep down, I wanted to be a good guy.
I decided that there MUST be a way to make this work, and to attract women without being ABUSIVE.
The good news is that THERE IS a way.
But, it requires that you put aside your current ideas for just long enough to entertain some new ones.
First, let me say that I believe I've found a way to take the things that JERKS do to attract women and use them WITHOUT THE ABUSE. When you learn to do this, you can really have the best of both worlds... you can be nice to women on your own terms, and give them what they REALLY want, and what REALLY attracts them.
So, WHY DO WOMEN BECOME ATTRACTED TO JERKS?
The short answer is that they don't CHOOSE it, it's something that just HAPPENS.
ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE.
It's an emotional response to certain things.
Women don't CHOOSE to feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for jerks any more than YOU choose to feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for young, beautiful, firm and tight women.
Nature has preprogrammed MEN with a mechanism that works like this:
SEE HOT WOMEN ---> FEEL ATTRACTION
Well, women have a similar mechanism. But I think that the female version is MORE COMPLEX.
Yes, women do feel attraction for extremely handsome men... but they feel a MUCH STRONGER ATTRACTION for certain PERSONALITY TRAITS and BEHAVIORS than they do for physical looks alone.
So, again the short answer is that it's just something that "happens" inside of a women.
She doesn't "choose" it.
So, what is it about the "jerk" that creates this powerful, uncontrollable ATTRACTION inside of women?
Let me answer first by telling you what IT'S NOT:
It's NOT the abuse (not usually anyway). I don't believe that women are attracted to that abusive, mean, negative part of the "jerk personality".
I think that jerks JUST HAPPEN to also possess several ATTRACTIVE qualities that are SO POWERFUL that they literally make women BLIND to the abuse... women will rationalize and excuse the abusive behavior because they are so attracted to these other qualities.
Here's a PARTIAL list of what creates that ATTRACTION:
- Unpredictable
- Uncontrollable
- Challenging
- Dominant
Of course, there are many more, but this will get us started for this discussion.
The qualities I've listed above, when presented correctly, trigger the natural "attraction mechanism" inside of women.
Jerks have taken natural qualities that are ATTRACTIVE to women a little "too far".
But because they're still there, the qualities trigger the attraction anyway.
So, what does this mean to you?
Well, the most important thing is that it means you can still be a good guy AND attract women at the same time.
You're probably going to have to learn how to flirt in a different way, become a little more comfortable being challenging to women, etc. But, in the end, you'll find that this will get you what you want and still allow you to treat women well... all on your own terms.
It also means that instead of being the guy who women talk to about their relationship problems and how their mean jerk boyfriend is being abusive again... you can be the guy who they're dating and sleeping with!
Yes!
Now, I'd like you to take time to think about what I've said here.
Think about how you can cultivate the four qualities that I've mentioned above into your personality.
See if you can be a little less predictable.
Don't let outside events or women control you.
Be more of a challenge.
Stop being submissive... and get in touch with that side of you that is more dominant (I said"dominant", not "domineering").
This will give you a GREAT head start.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Risking it with girls
***QUESTION***
Read your stuff...interesting. Makes a lot of sense to appear different then all the others. I have one question, however. This C&F stuff (can I call it "friendly mocking"?) really only works on women who are sure of themselves and who will not take your jokes to the heart. But how many of those are in the world? I mean, with today's"perfect" pop-stars most women have at least some insecurities. So, how can you use this technique and not accidentally hit a weak spot? Is there a neutral "friendly mocking" approach? =p
J Brooklyn
>>>MY COMMENTS:
I think you're hitting on an important point here.
I think that a lot of guys "secretly" want to figure out a way to meet women without RISKING anything.
This is probably why personal ads and online dating web sites are so popular.
The problem with not wanting to RISK anything is that it creates a mindset that leads to being AVERAGE.
And "average" doesn't create ATTRACTION.
There is this specific kind of humor that many people who are at the top of their game call "Cocky & Funny".
One of the purposes of the Cocky & Funny technique is to clearly demonstrate that you are NOT intimidated by a woman, and to INSTANTLY communicate that you are DIFFERENT from other men.
You'd like to know the magic way to "not accidentally hit a weak spot"...
But guess what?
Accidents happen.
Risk is part of life.
Don't worry so much about hitting a "weak spot"while you're teasing or busting on a woman... just concern yourself with making sure you're being FUNNY while you're doing it.
If you meet a woman who is so sensitive that she can't take a joke, or you "accidentally" overdo it, don't worry about it. No biggie.
She's probably either too uptight or emotionally fragile for you to have a good time with anyway.
If you want to make a cake, you have to break a few eggs, man.
Remember, your objective isn't to be MEAN towomen, or to hurt them... your objective is to usea specific type of humor to create ATTRACTION.
And give up this "neutral" idea. Neutral is BORING. And Boring is NOT the way to create ATTRACTION.
It's always good to pick a SIDE. . .
Read your stuff...interesting. Makes a lot of sense to appear different then all the others. I have one question, however. This C&F stuff (can I call it "friendly mocking"?) really only works on women who are sure of themselves and who will not take your jokes to the heart. But how many of those are in the world? I mean, with today's"perfect" pop-stars most women have at least some insecurities. So, how can you use this technique and not accidentally hit a weak spot? Is there a neutral "friendly mocking" approach? =p
J Brooklyn
>>>MY COMMENTS:
I think you're hitting on an important point here.
I think that a lot of guys "secretly" want to figure out a way to meet women without RISKING anything.
This is probably why personal ads and online dating web sites are so popular.
The problem with not wanting to RISK anything is that it creates a mindset that leads to being AVERAGE.
And "average" doesn't create ATTRACTION.
There is this specific kind of humor that many people who are at the top of their game call "Cocky & Funny".
One of the purposes of the Cocky & Funny technique is to clearly demonstrate that you are NOT intimidated by a woman, and to INSTANTLY communicate that you are DIFFERENT from other men.
You'd like to know the magic way to "not accidentally hit a weak spot"...
But guess what?
Accidents happen.
Risk is part of life.
Don't worry so much about hitting a "weak spot"while you're teasing or busting on a woman... just concern yourself with making sure you're being FUNNY while you're doing it.
If you meet a woman who is so sensitive that she can't take a joke, or you "accidentally" overdo it, don't worry about it. No biggie.
She's probably either too uptight or emotionally fragile for you to have a good time with anyway.
If you want to make a cake, you have to break a few eggs, man.
Remember, your objective isn't to be MEAN towomen, or to hurt them... your objective is to usea specific type of humor to create ATTRACTION.
And give up this "neutral" idea. Neutral is BORING. And Boring is NOT the way to create ATTRACTION.
It's always good to pick a SIDE. . .
Ever been tested by a women?
Have you ever called a woman on the phone to
set up a date and she says: "Friday night? Sure.
Call me on Friday and we can talk about it..."?
Or, have you ever had a woman ask you if you're
"a player?"
Or, have you ever had a woman challenge you
about something ridiculous?
Or, have you ever had a woman call you five
minutes before a date and cancel?
Or, have you ever had a woman pout and get
upset because she didn't get her way?
Or, have you ever asked a woman for her number
and she says, "Why don't you give me your number
and I'll call YOU?"
Well guess what... you were being TESTED.
All of these are examples of common things
women do to "test" men.
On some level, the woman you were dealing with
was testing to see how much control she had in the
relationship... and how STRONG you were.
The paradox of "testing" is that if you COMPLY
with what a woman SEEMS to want, you will usually
FAIL the test.
Hey, I never said that women made sense... lol.
I was reading a great book recently called "The
Way Of The Superior Man", and inside the author
points out that a woman will often ask a man for
something DIRECTLY... but if he DOES what she
asks, she will be disappointed and ANGRY with him.
Ever been there?
So what's with this testing stuff, anyway?
Well, the answer is fascinating.
And before I tell you about why women TEST you,
I want to mention that there's a LOT more going on
"behind the scenes" when it comes to female
psychology and behavior.
I believe that if you can
learn how to understand this "mating psychology,"
then you can learn to attract women MUCH faster...
Back to the answer...
set up a date and she says: "Friday night? Sure.
Call me on Friday and we can talk about it..."?
Or, have you ever had a woman ask you if you're
"a player?"
Or, have you ever had a woman challenge you
about something ridiculous?
Or, have you ever had a woman call you five
minutes before a date and cancel?
Or, have you ever had a woman pout and get
upset because she didn't get her way?
Or, have you ever asked a woman for her number
and she says, "Why don't you give me your number
and I'll call YOU?"
Well guess what... you were being TESTED.
All of these are examples of common things
women do to "test" men.
On some level, the woman you were dealing with
was testing to see how much control she had in the
relationship... and how STRONG you were.
The paradox of "testing" is that if you COMPLY
with what a woman SEEMS to want, you will usually
FAIL the test.
Hey, I never said that women made sense... lol.
I was reading a great book recently called "The
Way Of The Superior Man", and inside the author
points out that a woman will often ask a man for
something DIRECTLY... but if he DOES what she
asks, she will be disappointed and ANGRY with him.
Ever been there?
So what's with this testing stuff, anyway?
Well, the answer is fascinating.
And before I tell you about why women TEST you,
I want to mention that there's a LOT more going on
"behind the scenes" when it comes to female
psychology and behavior.
I believe that if you can
learn how to understand this "mating psychology,"
then you can learn to attract women MUCH faster...
Back to the answer...
Women test men because they need to QUICKLY
figure out what they're dealing with, and they
can't expect a man to just be straight up and
honest about his strengths and weaknesses.
I mean, let's face it... we guys like to talk a
big game, but when it comes to walking the talk,
we often can't BACK IT UP.
Also, beautiful women have a lot of options.
They have their pick of men. And beautiful women
prefer STRONG men. Not physically strong (although
this can be an advantage), but strong in CHARACTER
and PERSONAL IDENTITY.
Women aren't attracted to WUSSIES.
So let me ask you... if you were an attractive
woman that was being chased around by 100 guys,
how would YOU go about figuring out which one or
ones were the "real deal" and which were merely
FAKING strength and confidence?
Of course... you'd have to TEST them.
But you couldn't test by saying, "OK, I'm going
to give you a test now, so get ready."
No no NO!
You'd have to use "blind" tests. Tests that
would allow you to see a man's true strengths and
weaknesses.
And in fact, you'd want to use tests
that ideally DIDN'T ALLOW HIM TO KNOW THAT YOU
WERE TESTING... OR WHAT YOU HAD DISCOVERED ABOUT
HIM WITH THOSE TESTS. This way, if he turned out
to be a Wuss Bag, you could slip away quickly and
easily.
This would give you the power...
Of course.
And if you did this OFTEN, you'd eventually
become so accustomed to doing it, that MANY of the
tests would become SUBCONSCIOUS and work their way
into your NATURAL, EVERYDAY way of communicating
with men.
Well, guess what?
That's what is going on with beautiful women.
Many of the tests that they use with men are
actually OUTSIDE OF THEIR AWARENESS. They test us
automatically!
And if you fail one of these tests, there's a
good chance that you won't get another chance.
In this fast-paced world, we humans don't have
the time to spend getting to know people over a
few months or years to figure out whether or not
they're the kind of person that would make a good
friend or mate.
We need to know NOW.
So we use shortcuts.
Testing is a shortcut for women.
It lets them discover VERY RAPIDLY whether you
have BALLS, or if you're just another one of the
bazillion Wusses that are trying to get her
attention.
I hope you feel what I'm saying.
So, the next time you're standing in front of a
beautiful woman who you've just asked for her
number and she says, "Why don't you just give me
yours and I'll call YOU..." try CHUCKLING out
loud, and saying:
"Oh, come on. Don't give me that old line. Write
your number down and I'll only call you 25 times a
day until you wind up having to change it because
I have nothing better to do with my time than call
someone who doesn't want to hear from me."
Then hand her a pen, point to the paper, and
look her in the eye expectantly.
Love it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I want to know.
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are orbiting the sun. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed for fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from it's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon...YES!
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done for the needy.
It doesn't interest me who you are or how you came to be here. I want to know if you can stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me what or where or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in empty moments.
- - - Don't judge me for who I am, rather see me for the person I can become - - -
Loneliness.
Is being out of touch with yourself
Denying your innermost need by pretending it doesn't exist
Defying what you desperately want to accept
Exchanging tenderness for bitterness
Causing unnecessary alienation all for the sake of pride
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are orbiting the sun. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed for fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from it's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon...YES!
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done for the needy.
It doesn't interest me who you are or how you came to be here. I want to know if you can stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me what or where or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in empty moments.
- - - Don't judge me for who I am, rather see me for the person I can become - - -
Loneliness.
Is being out of touch with yourself
Denying your innermost need by pretending it doesn't exist
Defying what you desperately want to accept
Exchanging tenderness for bitterness
Causing unnecessary alienation all for the sake of pride
Life's lessons.
Life Lessons
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but whom you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt, and you will get hurt as well in the process.
I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned that it's more important in understanding the intentions of the act rather than the act itself.
I've learned that people would rather believed you're out to harm them rather than you're out to aid them.
I've learned that people are naturally selfish.
I've learned most people are usually perceived and judged by first impression.
I've learned that even if you have a license to kill, it does not necessitate you to go out and kill everybody you despised.
I've learn that true happiness is found is the man who is most contented.
I've learned that true serenity is about letting go. . .'
Spiritual Teacher/Spiritual Seeker
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes that he is lost. He spots a person on the ground, reduces his altitude, and shouts, "Hey! Can you tell me where I am?"
The person below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above this field."
The balloonist says, "You must work as a spiritual teacher."
"I do," replies the person, "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is true enough, but it's of no use at all."
The person below said, "You must be a spiritual seeker."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the person, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help you. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault!"
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but whom you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt, and you will get hurt as well in the process.
I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned that it's more important in understanding the intentions of the act rather than the act itself.
I've learned that people would rather believed you're out to harm them rather than you're out to aid them.
I've learned that people are naturally selfish.
I've learned most people are usually perceived and judged by first impression.
I've learned that even if you have a license to kill, it does not necessitate you to go out and kill everybody you despised.
I've learn that true happiness is found is the man who is most contented.
I've learned that true serenity is about letting go. . .'
Spiritual Teacher/Spiritual Seeker
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes that he is lost. He spots a person on the ground, reduces his altitude, and shouts, "Hey! Can you tell me where I am?"
The person below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above this field."
The balloonist says, "You must work as a spiritual teacher."
"I do," replies the person, "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is true enough, but it's of no use at all."
The person below said, "You must be a spiritual seeker."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the person, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help you. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault!"
Saturday, June 14, 2008
When should you pay for a woman?
***DATING QUESTION FROM A READER***
I have a question concerning dating and when/when not to pay for stuff. At what point (if any)should I pay for both of us when dating? I don't want to get the woman into the mindset of"courtship." What should a man pay for when he's dating?
Sincerely,
M.
>>>MY COMMENTS:
This is a common dilemma that most men face...
"To pay or not to pay, that is the question."
Here are some of the problems that "paying"creates:
1. It sets you up as the one who is "pursuing" the woman, which symbolically gives away your power to her.
2. It can be expensive.
3. It usually causes women to play even "harder to get".
4. It triggers all kinds of "courtship" behaviors. Like her making you prove yourself, waiting to have sex, etc.
5. The places you'll be going to "pay" are often not the best places to actually get to know another human being. Movies, fancy dinners, etc., aren't natural environments and they don't lead to people "being themselves".
So, what's the alternative?
Well, the FIRST thing you should do is CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT "DATING"... and "paying".
Most guys just naturally assume that if they're"taking a girl out" that they need to take her to a show or movie, a nice dinner, etc.
And by the way, this is actually part of a much BIGGER issue... that most guys feel OBLIGATED to give things to women, buy them things... and basically PAY for their attention and affection.
Of course, these are basically the WORST places to go with a woman in the beginning because, as I mentioned above, they aren't very "natural" places to be.
Instead of asking a woman "out to dinner", try this...
When you're talking on the phone about getting together say, "Let's meet for a cup of tea. This way, if YOU turn out to be a complete freak, I can run away easily."
This will get a laugh, and it will get her thinking to herself, "Wow, this guy is qualifying ME."
Also, suggest a place that's close to your house, in case you want to invite her over afterward.
When you meet for tea, actually drink tea (or iced tea). Because coffee makes your breath nasty and tea is perceived as a more "classy" drink. It's also cheaper than a latte or a mocha.
After you have tea for 30 or 60 minutes, decide how YOU like HER. If you want to continue say either:
"Hey, let's keep talking. I want to shop for abit, come along."
...or...
"Hey, let's keep talking. Where are you parked? You can follow me..." (to your place, of course).
In either case, just assume that she will go along with whatever you're doing, and she almost always will if you're doing a good job of being cocky & funny and keeping her attention.
If you do go out "shopping", go to a funky alternative shopping complex that has tattoo shops, record stores, ethnic food restaurants, etc. Every shopping complex usually has an area like this, so go there.
These places are SO GREAT because they have fun and interesting conversation BUILT RIGHT IN.
If things are going well, and you're enjoying the time with her, you can then have her follow you over to your place. Again, just tell her that you're enjoying the conversation, and that you'd like to continue... and for her to follow you.
Total expense (if you pay for her tea and yours):
A few bucks.
How much better is this than taking her out to an expensive meal and trying to have a normal conversation across a table while being forced to look right at each other all night?
You do the math.
If you actually do a little creative thinking, you can figure out ALL KINDS of great things to do that cost little or no money at all when you go out with women.
Extra bonus:
When you don't do "normal" dating things, women will tend to play "hard to get" less.
They'll expect less in the way of gifts and money spent on them and they'll actually HAVE MORE FUN.
Really.
I have a question concerning dating and when/when not to pay for stuff. At what point (if any)should I pay for both of us when dating? I don't want to get the woman into the mindset of"courtship." What should a man pay for when he's dating?
Sincerely,
M.
>>>MY COMMENTS:
This is a common dilemma that most men face...
"To pay or not to pay, that is the question."
Here are some of the problems that "paying"creates:
1. It sets you up as the one who is "pursuing" the woman, which symbolically gives away your power to her.
2. It can be expensive.
3. It usually causes women to play even "harder to get".
4. It triggers all kinds of "courtship" behaviors. Like her making you prove yourself, waiting to have sex, etc.
5. The places you'll be going to "pay" are often not the best places to actually get to know another human being. Movies, fancy dinners, etc., aren't natural environments and they don't lead to people "being themselves".
So, what's the alternative?
Well, the FIRST thing you should do is CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT "DATING"... and "paying".
Most guys just naturally assume that if they're"taking a girl out" that they need to take her to a show or movie, a nice dinner, etc.
And by the way, this is actually part of a much BIGGER issue... that most guys feel OBLIGATED to give things to women, buy them things... and basically PAY for their attention and affection.
Of course, these are basically the WORST places to go with a woman in the beginning because, as I mentioned above, they aren't very "natural" places to be.
Instead of asking a woman "out to dinner", try this...
When you're talking on the phone about getting together say, "Let's meet for a cup of tea. This way, if YOU turn out to be a complete freak, I can run away easily."
This will get a laugh, and it will get her thinking to herself, "Wow, this guy is qualifying ME."
Also, suggest a place that's close to your house, in case you want to invite her over afterward.
When you meet for tea, actually drink tea (or iced tea). Because coffee makes your breath nasty and tea is perceived as a more "classy" drink. It's also cheaper than a latte or a mocha.
After you have tea for 30 or 60 minutes, decide how YOU like HER. If you want to continue say either:
"Hey, let's keep talking. I want to shop for abit, come along."
...or...
"Hey, let's keep talking. Where are you parked? You can follow me..." (to your place, of course).
In either case, just assume that she will go along with whatever you're doing, and she almost always will if you're doing a good job of being cocky & funny and keeping her attention.
If you do go out "shopping", go to a funky alternative shopping complex that has tattoo shops, record stores, ethnic food restaurants, etc. Every shopping complex usually has an area like this, so go there.
These places are SO GREAT because they have fun and interesting conversation BUILT RIGHT IN.
If things are going well, and you're enjoying the time with her, you can then have her follow you over to your place. Again, just tell her that you're enjoying the conversation, and that you'd like to continue... and for her to follow you.
Total expense (if you pay for her tea and yours):
A few bucks.
How much better is this than taking her out to an expensive meal and trying to have a normal conversation across a table while being forced to look right at each other all night?
You do the math.
If you actually do a little creative thinking, you can figure out ALL KINDS of great things to do that cost little or no money at all when you go out with women.
Extra bonus:
When you don't do "normal" dating things, women will tend to play "hard to get" less.
They'll expect less in the way of gifts and money spent on them and they'll actually HAVE MORE FUN.
Really.
Afraid of women?
What prevents men from being successful with women?
Well, the list goes on and on... but one of the elements that TOPS the list is FEAR.
There are many different situations that make men feel fear, but I'd like to talk about some of the most common ones... and what to do about them.
First of all, I'd like you to be honest for a moment about this topic.
Do you ever feel FEAR when it comes to women and dating?
Have you ever seen a woman that you'd really like to meet, but you started to feel fear and didn't do anything about it?
Or maybe you were on a date and you wanted to kiss a woman... but you felt too afraid because you didn't want to make a mistake and screw up your chances?
Or maybe you even got a woman's phone number,but you were too afraid to call back because you didn't know how to start off the conversation or ask her out?
Come on, seriously...
Have you ever been sitting there with the phone in your hand, dialing a woman's number, but you had to hang up because you were just too nervous to even talk to her...?
Or out on a date with a woman, and you wanted to kiss her, but you got so nervous at the thought that you just decided it would be better to forget the whole idea and hope for the best...?
Me too. Quite a number of times, in fact.
Coping with fear wasn't exactly something I was born talented at, I had to learn it the hard way.
By the way, it's not exactly FUN to admit that you're afraid of things.
I'm sure you know that most guys would rather admit in public that they were unsure about their sexual orientation than that they were afraid of women.
Of course, this unwillingness to admit that you have a problem IN THE FIRST PLACE only makes matters worse...
If you don't admit that you have the problem, then it's hard to get help and answers to it.
Well, the good news is that you're not alone.
Almost every guy I've known (including myself)has dealt with this issue MANY TIMES with women.
So, STEP 1 is to GET OVER IT. Get over your need to deny that you're afraid. Just admit that you're afraid, and come to grips with the fact that you're human...
STEP 2 is to admit that you'd like to get this particular area of your life handled.
STEP 3 is to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Once you realize that it's not that big of a deal, then the improvement can start. On the other hand, if you just stay in denial about it, you'll probably just look for new tricks and techniques to use on women... which, of course, won't lead to any REAL improvement.
I personally think that one of the biggest causes of fear when it comes to situations with women is:
PUTTING TOO MUCH IMPORTANCE ON WHAT THE WOMAN THINKS OF YOU AND WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT PARTICULAR SITUATION.
To put it in different words, most guys don't take action because they're afraid that they'll screw up, or that the woman or others around will judge them.
The REAL problem though is that this whole process has become AUTOMATIC, and it happens INSTANTLY the moment most guys see a woman that they'd like to meet. Before they even have a chance to think about the situation rationally, they've become nervous, insecure, and upset.
I'm sure you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
As humans, we have these incredible minds and bodies, but sometimes they get wired up in ways that aren't exactly useful for the situations that we find ourselves in. Worse, sometimes our cultures, families, or peer groups teach us ways of thinking that just aren't useful at all for what we'd like to accomplish.
Here's something that I realized a few years ago when I was learning for myself how to be successful with women...
I thought about this idea that I was having this instant, automatic fear in different situations with women, and that what I was really thinking was "I don't want to screw this up" and"I don't want her to think that I'm a moron"...
And all of a sudden something dawned on me:
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
It doesn't matter what happens, and it doesn't matter what she thinks of me.
I realized that the fears I was experiencing were more from PROGRAMMING than from reality.
So, I started to remind myself as often as possible that the fear wasn't happening because there was any kind of danger... and that my objective in a particular situation wasn't to have it turn out perfect, IT WAS TO LEARN.
Think about the difference between doing something because it's important vs. doing something in order to LEARN.
So, for instance, if I saw a woman that I wanted to meet... instead of thinking, "OK, I have to say something charming and original so she'll like me... and if I screw up I'm going to be embarrassed" - I began to think things like, "I'm going to learn how to get a woman's phone number within a few minutes of meeting her... and part of learning this is going to be trying a lot of different things that probably aren't going to work... but in the end, it's all going to even out because I'm going to have the SKILL that I want."
See the difference?
Well, let me tell you, that change in attitude made a HUGE impact on my success. I was willing to do and try things that I never would have tried in the past for fear of screwing up...
All because I had the attitude of "I'm going to learn something from this and improve my skills...and it doesn't matter what happens in THIS PARTICULAR situation", I was able to improve very rapidly.
And the more I began to apply this idea, the more success I had in ALL areas with women... from the first meeting, to getting them to go out with me, to taking things to a physical level.
So do this:
Go out RIGHT NOW and start a conversation with a woman.
I don't care if she's attractive or not.
But instead of having the objective of getting a date, have the objective of LEARNING SOMETHING.
In fact, if you REALLY want to improve fast, go spend a day starting conversations with women, but make the commitment to NOT get any phone numbers or dates all day.
In other words, no matter WHAT happens, you can't date any of the women that you meet that day.
See if you can just learn how to do a few simple things like say, "Hi" to every woman that walks by... how to maintain eye contact with women until THEY look away... and how to end a conversation "too soon" so she feels a natural vacuum and tries to keep it going herself...
That's one good idea for dealing with your fears.
Well, the list goes on and on... but one of the elements that TOPS the list is FEAR.
There are many different situations that make men feel fear, but I'd like to talk about some of the most common ones... and what to do about them.
First of all, I'd like you to be honest for a moment about this topic.
Do you ever feel FEAR when it comes to women and dating?
Have you ever seen a woman that you'd really like to meet, but you started to feel fear and didn't do anything about it?
Or maybe you were on a date and you wanted to kiss a woman... but you felt too afraid because you didn't want to make a mistake and screw up your chances?
Or maybe you even got a woman's phone number,but you were too afraid to call back because you didn't know how to start off the conversation or ask her out?
Come on, seriously...
Have you ever been sitting there with the phone in your hand, dialing a woman's number, but you had to hang up because you were just too nervous to even talk to her...?
Or out on a date with a woman, and you wanted to kiss her, but you got so nervous at the thought that you just decided it would be better to forget the whole idea and hope for the best...?
Me too. Quite a number of times, in fact.
Coping with fear wasn't exactly something I was born talented at, I had to learn it the hard way.
By the way, it's not exactly FUN to admit that you're afraid of things.
I'm sure you know that most guys would rather admit in public that they were unsure about their sexual orientation than that they were afraid of women.
Of course, this unwillingness to admit that you have a problem IN THE FIRST PLACE only makes matters worse...
If you don't admit that you have the problem, then it's hard to get help and answers to it.
Well, the good news is that you're not alone.
Almost every guy I've known (including myself)has dealt with this issue MANY TIMES with women.
So, STEP 1 is to GET OVER IT. Get over your need to deny that you're afraid. Just admit that you're afraid, and come to grips with the fact that you're human...
STEP 2 is to admit that you'd like to get this particular area of your life handled.
STEP 3 is to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Once you realize that it's not that big of a deal, then the improvement can start. On the other hand, if you just stay in denial about it, you'll probably just look for new tricks and techniques to use on women... which, of course, won't lead to any REAL improvement.
I personally think that one of the biggest causes of fear when it comes to situations with women is:
PUTTING TOO MUCH IMPORTANCE ON WHAT THE WOMAN THINKS OF YOU AND WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT PARTICULAR SITUATION.
To put it in different words, most guys don't take action because they're afraid that they'll screw up, or that the woman or others around will judge them.
The REAL problem though is that this whole process has become AUTOMATIC, and it happens INSTANTLY the moment most guys see a woman that they'd like to meet. Before they even have a chance to think about the situation rationally, they've become nervous, insecure, and upset.
I'm sure you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
As humans, we have these incredible minds and bodies, but sometimes they get wired up in ways that aren't exactly useful for the situations that we find ourselves in. Worse, sometimes our cultures, families, or peer groups teach us ways of thinking that just aren't useful at all for what we'd like to accomplish.
Here's something that I realized a few years ago when I was learning for myself how to be successful with women...
I thought about this idea that I was having this instant, automatic fear in different situations with women, and that what I was really thinking was "I don't want to screw this up" and"I don't want her to think that I'm a moron"...
And all of a sudden something dawned on me:
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
It doesn't matter what happens, and it doesn't matter what she thinks of me.
I realized that the fears I was experiencing were more from PROGRAMMING than from reality.
So, I started to remind myself as often as possible that the fear wasn't happening because there was any kind of danger... and that my objective in a particular situation wasn't to have it turn out perfect, IT WAS TO LEARN.
Think about the difference between doing something because it's important vs. doing something in order to LEARN.
So, for instance, if I saw a woman that I wanted to meet... instead of thinking, "OK, I have to say something charming and original so she'll like me... and if I screw up I'm going to be embarrassed" - I began to think things like, "I'm going to learn how to get a woman's phone number within a few minutes of meeting her... and part of learning this is going to be trying a lot of different things that probably aren't going to work... but in the end, it's all going to even out because I'm going to have the SKILL that I want."
See the difference?
Well, let me tell you, that change in attitude made a HUGE impact on my success. I was willing to do and try things that I never would have tried in the past for fear of screwing up...
All because I had the attitude of "I'm going to learn something from this and improve my skills...and it doesn't matter what happens in THIS PARTICULAR situation", I was able to improve very rapidly.
And the more I began to apply this idea, the more success I had in ALL areas with women... from the first meeting, to getting them to go out with me, to taking things to a physical level.
So do this:
Go out RIGHT NOW and start a conversation with a woman.
I don't care if she's attractive or not.
But instead of having the objective of getting a date, have the objective of LEARNING SOMETHING.
In fact, if you REALLY want to improve fast, go spend a day starting conversations with women, but make the commitment to NOT get any phone numbers or dates all day.
In other words, no matter WHAT happens, you can't date any of the women that you meet that day.
See if you can just learn how to do a few simple things like say, "Hi" to every woman that walks by... how to maintain eye contact with women until THEY look away... and how to end a conversation "too soon" so she feels a natural vacuum and tries to keep it going herself...
That's one good idea for dealing with your fears.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Read this if you're very nice to women...
Are Women Attracted To "Nice" Guys? >QUICK NOTE: As you've probably already guessed,women are NOT usually ATTRACTED to "nice" guys. If you're too much of a nice guy, and you'd like to learn how to communicate with women in a way that makes them feel ATTRACTION for you, then do yourself a huge favor, and read THIS now: ***QUESTION*** Hey bro... I recently began reading ur stuff because I have met a girl that i am really into and I must make it work with her. You are probably busy but Im going to give you the background story of this and maybe you will have some specific advice for me. I met this girl M. in July through a friend online. We got to know each other some and after a few weeks she came to watch my friend and I at a basketball game that we were playing in, and I met her in person briefly that day. Unfortunately, I did not see her in person again that time because I was back to college soon, so we talked more online and it went very well. We really seemed to hit it off and had a lot in common and we were definitely good friends. I made her laugh a lot as we both said and did a lot of silly things (she likes that kind of stuff) and we continued to talk and get to know a lot about each other. I was very supportive of her and she was the same for me and showed a lot of interest in what I had to say. She wanted my phone number here at college and I gave it to her, and we began to talk a few times in the evening by phone too. She also wanted my mailing address here and sent me a package with a card and some goodies that were related to some inside jokes we have with each other. This is when I decided that I wanted to be more than a friend to her and make a move to tell her subtly my intentions. I just told her that i thought she was really cool and since we have alot in common I was wondering if she wanted to go out sometime when I got back home for break. She really didnt have much of a reaction one way or the other and just said that it would be fun. Well gradually things escalated and we spent more and more time talking to each other online and by phone, and we exchanged pictures and packages all the time and I opened up to her more and more and told her how I felt for her. I sent her roses to congratulate her and she liked that a lot. She is somewhat of a quiet shy girl, but she is really nice but also very hesitant. She has never been in a relationship before, and the funny thing is that this is true more or less for me too. I continued to tell her my feelings for her more and she would only say that she felt the "same" or "me too". She said that she was worried that when I got to meet her more when i was home my feelings would not be the same. So talking till nearly Christmas, it was to the point where we knew almost everything about each other that we could talk about, and I was really showering her with attention and compliments (I know, according to your teaching this is wrong haha) and she just said that we have to wait and see. I teased her telling her that there were some dreams I had but would have towait to tell her how they ended, and she said she would eventually open up to me. Well we got together finally over my Christmas break and I went over to their house for the evening after dinner (i bought....youre probably saying "doh") and we watched movies. Their family seems to like me alot by the way, and I have talked to M.'s sister and mother on occasions before this. I asked if i could put my arm around her and she let me, and then before i went home we went for a short walk and I held her hand to "keep it warm". Before I got into the car she gave me a hug and I invited her over for tomorrow, and that since we are an hour away from each other's house she could stay the night to save time. So we had a good time on Thursday and she met my family, and we played games and movies and such, and I said she could sit with me in my couch where it was warmer and she accepted. After the movie was done at about 2:30 am, I shut it off and we just lay there reclining. I started to stroke her arm and gently rub her hands, and then i went to her face and neck and hair, once in a while whispering in her ear and saying she smelt and looked good. She just lightly giggled, and rest her head on my chest but she didnt really do any touching herself, but we got out of the chair at 6 am and slept till 9am and got up and had a fun day again playing games and I showed her around town. We played footsie underneath the card table some but again it was pretty much myself doing all the showing of affection. We had a candle lit dinner that night and I asked her if her doubts had been answered yet, and she said she knew how I felt but that I needed to get to know her more and that she just was hesitant and not able to open up as much as I am yet. She sat in the couch with me again Friday night and it was more of the same and then she went to bed at 3, but I couldnt sleep that night because I really wondered if I was maybe being too serious and forward for her. She wanted up at 6:15and so I woke her up touching her face, and we lay in my bed for about an hour with more of the same of me touching her, and then it came time for her to get ready and say goodbye. I had asked her on several occasions over the week at what I felt was the right time if she wanted to know how my dream ended (which we both know what it is hehe) but she said not yet and maybe later. I had written her a long note that night since I didnt sleep and I gave that to her out by her car and she gave me another hug and off she went. I flew back out to school Saturday morning and I have been pretty sad, both because I miss her and because Im not sure if she feels the same way I do. It seems like she likes all the attention Im giving her that she has never gotten before, but only seems to reciprocate the same things I say and she does not open up to me nearly like i have to her. So i have decided I need to probably try another approach and start applying your methods and see if that gets me anywhere. I will be home for a break in a few weeks and Im hoping that she will start opening up to me then, otherwise im not sure I want to continue to keep giving myself to her like I have if she wont do the same. She does give me a lot of her time so I know she is interested, but I want her to start really being into me the way I have shown her. So Ive been reading your stuff and I think I need to loosen up and tease her a little more and not shower her with compliments, maybe once in a while, and I need to start talking to her less. I think I need to be a little more indifferent but Im just not sure what exactly to do as far as how sweet i am supposed to be to her, and the right kind of attitude i need to have. I think I need to let my cocky and funny side come out more but I dont want her to think I am not interested in her or that I am a prick. Im thinking that I need to realize less is more, and give her opportunities and such but make it sparingly and focus more on just being a fun person. Its been almost 5 months knowing her and theres a lot more I could say as far as details, but Im wondering that from what you can get out of this if you have any specific advice for me? I appreciate it a lot man, and thanx for all the post! Talk to you later. -Confused- The Answer. You might want to sit down for this. Sit on a chair with ARMS on it so you don't fall off, OK? It's VERY clear to me that you've become VERY emotionally attached to this girl... and that you like her very much (women all over the world are reading this right now and crying...) And I know that when you really, really, REALLY like a girl, "things are different". I know that this one is different from ALL of the others... and that you don't want to risk doing something wrong with her... so you're not using any of the materials that you're learning from me... In fact, you're saving the things you've learned from me for "later"... just in case what you're doing doesn't work in the end. And even though I'm going to verbally beat your ass for all of this in a moment, I want to let you know that I really do understand. By the way, I'm only being this nice because it sounds like you're still pretty young, and have almost ZERO experience with women. So don't get too used to this "kid politeness" stuff from me. Next time you write, I'm just going to launch and beat the crap into it. OK. Here's how your letter started: "I recently began reading you're stuff because I have met a girl that i am really into and I must make it work with her." I smelled trouble before I was finished reading that first sentence, man. Here's what my gut tells me: You sound DESPERATE. You sound like the affection-starved human male equivalent of a hungry homeless kitten. It's also clear to me that somewhere along the line in your life you got the idea that if you want to make a woman like you, that you should ACT and BEHAVE like a woman. This is a problem. From your perspective (which I understand a little too well from your detailed letter), it ALMOST looks like she might like you. I mean, she's replying to everything you do in a "mirror image" kind of way. She's not stopping you. And sometimes she does something nice in return when you're sweet and thoughtful... But you can FEEL that something just isn't quite "right" here. Again, it ALMOST looks like she might like you... and when you're in this situation, even small hints seem like they could be "the big clue" that lets you know that she is just as in love as you are. But my guess is that this situation is much worse than you think. In fact, I think that there's a very good chance that it's so bad... so, so bad... that it's probably a waste of time to try to "save" it. I think that the "hints" you're getting from her are the behaviors of a sweet girl who doesn't like the idea of hurting you. In other words, she's probably as far from "into you" as a girl can be... but she loves you as a friend, and cares about you as a person... so she can't bring herself to look you in the eyes and say, "Hey, you're acting like a girl and you've destroyed all chances of me ever feeling any type of ATTRACTION for you". Hell, probably she doesnt even know why she's not feeling attraction for you. Probably she think's " He's so nice to me and all, this is the of guy I should be liking and all, but why am I not feeling a thing?" By the way, I'm about to give you some good ideas for your situation, but the bottom line is that you need to work on yourself on a DEEP level. So let's talk about some of the things you've mentioned in your email... The first thing that comes to mind is how much ATTENTION you give her. In the moment, giving someone attention SEEMS like a great thing. They usually seem to enjoy it, and you know you're getting approval from them because they're still talking to you. The other little "hidden bonus" of giving someone a lot of attention, is that you know they're not getting it from SOMEONE ELSE during the time that you're giving it to them... Which gives many people a false sense of security. Heavy, man. But I think it's time you started thinking of this topic a little differently. Think of attention, compliments, physicalaffection and emotional attachment like FIREWOOD. A little at a time is perfect. But if you put it all on at once, you're going to burn the house down and destroy everything. When you give a woman too much attention, you are communicating that you're OBSESSED and DESPERATE. In other words, you're almost the OPPOSITE of a CHALLENGE. Have you ever heard a woman say "I just met this really sensitive, thoughtful, sweet guy that calls me 100 times a day and sends me flowers and cards and gifts... and I just can't stop thinkingabout him..."? No? Me neither. Well actually I've heard it from this girl who was a 1out of 10...but well it doesnt really matter does it? Surprise, surprise. Women aren't INTO guys who are obsessed with them. Women are INTO guys who are interesting, mysterious, challenging... guys who trigger ATTRACTION in them, not AFFECTION. Here's how YOUR mind is working right now: "It feels good, so do it." "She seems to enjoy it, so keep it up." "I don't want to lose her, so I must continue to smother her with attention." "This is the only chance I get, so I must take it to the max." "If I don't do something, some other guy will, and I'll be heartbroken." Don't worry, this is how MOST guys think and act. Hell, I used to do this stuff once upon a time... But here's what's probably going on in HER mind: "He's always there whenever I want to talk." "He's such a sweet, nice, caring guy." "Maybe if I keep talking to him I'll feel something..." "...But for some reason... I just don't FEEL IT for him... and I can't make myself feel it..." "I don't want to hurt him, so I'd better be niceto him." Well I hope she hasn't find you to be irritating and annoying yet. She probably feels a lot of guilt... because maybe she is thinking that she "led you on". Here's something for you to think about: "Getting KILLS Wanting" If someone gets something, or even knows that they HAVE IT whenever they want it, that thing becomes much less interesting to them. As a rule, we humans desire things that aren't easy to get. We don't want the easy thing! Just think about it, man. The more you don't know how she feels about you, and the more you try... the more you WANT HER. It's working on YOU, but you can't see it! Here's the bottom line: Going with your emotions, and confessing your love for a girl too early on isn't always as "good" as it "seems" like it should be. If you smother her with too much attention, she's going to run from you and go find a challenging guy sooner or later. Let's asume you get really lucky and she agree's to be with you and stuff... I can be damn sure she's only agreeing because she doesn't know how to turn you down. And eventually she's gonna leave you soon enough due to the reason of no feelings. She's giving you all the "I really like you, you're a sweet guy, I can't bear to break your heart, and I DON'T FEEL IT FOR YOU" signals. You need to carefully consider your situation, and decide what you REALLY want. She doesn't have experience with men, relationships, and life. And from the sounds of it, neither do you. You're acting on emotion here. You're not THINKING. I didn't hear you say "Yea, well I've thought this over, and it makes a lot of sense for her and I to be together..." You're acting like a typical WUSSBAG, dude. It's time to face that reality... If you were in a court of law right now trying to prove that you weren't a WUSSY, you would not be able to provide even a shred of evidence to support your case. If the jury was made up of your Mom, Juliet(Romeo's girlfriend), Celine Dion, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Michael Jackson, even THEY would reach an UNDISPUTED verdict: WUSSY! They might even ask you to provide evidence that you're MALE... based on your testimony here. And you've only got yourself to thank for it. You did it all. Here's something for you to remember: Attention from a man can be like a DRUG for a woman... even if she isn't attracted to him. A woman will often allow a guy that is IN LOVE with her to pour his heart out, confess his feelings, and demonstrate his devotion... even though she has ZERO INTENTION of feeling the same way herself. And if you have a young woman who has never been in a relationship with a guy, this could be an even BIGGER probability. I don't have to explain why. Here's my guess: 95% chance she's not into you. 5% chance she is into you, but she's just too young, inexperienced, shy, or whatever to know what to do about it... or maybe she has some kind of strange religious perception that has brainwashed her into thinking that she needs to marry you before kissing you. But doubtful. You're in one hell of a of a situation. You're emotionally attached to this girl, and you "like-like" her. She's emotionally attached to you, but she most likely DOES NOT "like-like" YOU. What you do here is your choice, but the chances of something working out are slim-to-none, because you didn't create ATTRACTION at the beginning with this girl. And even if there were some sparks initially,your Wussy behavior has almost surely killed them all off for good. SOME GOOD NEWS Now that I've dealt you the bad news, let's talk about the future. Let's talk about what you can learn from this experience. And let's talk about how to use what you've learned to make your life great in the future. And who knows, maybe after you get your act together, and this girl gets a little bit of life and relationship experience, you just might get lucky and meet her in an airport and she'll forget what a girly-man you used to be... Actually, probably not. But it was a nice thought. In the future, if you are "interested" in a girl, you must remember to be a MAN around her. Women feel ATTRACTION for "MEN". On the other hand. they feel AFFECTION for "nice guys" that wind up becoming FRIENDS. Instead of waiting until the very end, when you are convinced that a woman isn't into you, before doing what you're learning from me... do it from the BEGINNING. You must SPARK the ATTRACTION right from the start. You can't wait until the end, man. What you were doing was like trying to take all the ingredients of a cake and bake them, then mix them. It doesn't work that way. In the future, you need to do the right things, in the right order. You've learned a valuable lesson. So appreciate what you've learned... even though it's hard. You're off to a good start now that you've read my stuff and all... but it really sounds to me like you need to REPROGRAM YOUR MIND. It sounds like you need a complete overhaul of your thinking and mentality. It sounds like you need a major DE-WUSSING,followed by a ground-up education on how to think, act, and communicate in a way that makes women feel ATTRACTION for you... Take it from me... I've been in your shoes. I know what it feels like to be doing every possible thing and giving as much as humanly possible... only to have a girl respond by saying "I don't know how I feel" or "I just think we should be friends". It sucks. Once you've reached to that level, it's gonna be really hard to repair it. But it doesn't have to be this way! |
Things can change. It's probably high time that you began changing.
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